Thriving After Domestic Violence

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I am a musician and also a survivor. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have been a survivor since August 26, 2008, and today is my third Anniversary of Freedom.

Now it’s time to thrive.

This is a powerful part of my story, of my journey, of my healing, and tells the most about me and who I have become. This is why I am so grateful for everything I have accomplished.

The History

In 2003 I got married and moved to Germany to be with my now-ex-husband. I call it a “marriage” because it was anything but a marriage. In 2008, I had one chance to leave him and I took it. It was purely a decision based on the fact that I knew I couldn’t stay. He was beginning to get physically violent--it was serious.

The chance came when I was on my first solo visit to my parents in five years. It was a beautiful, summery Friday afternoon. I started reading a book I had picked up at the library, Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. In the book was the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy BancroftIt took me several tries to actually make the call, as I was literally shaking and didn’t know if I needed to call, but I had a feeling that it would be a good idea to talk to someone. Finally I called, and a woman named Ella answered.

“Are you in a safe place to talk?” she asked. “Yes, I am, I’m alone at my parent’s house,” I replied. “How can I help you?” she asked in a calm tone of voice. I began to sob, “I’m so scared…” All my fears and hurt feelings and questions poured out of me.

Ella spoke with me for 1 ½ hours that day. After our conversation, I opened up to my parents and told them what the “marriage” was really like, that it was anything but a marriage, with the criticism and fights and severe disparity of who controlled how much money. I told them that no matter what I did, it was never good enough and that I had gotten so much hurtful criticism from him day in and day out. The emotional abuse was unbearable.

It was then that I was presented with the opportunity that every victim of domestic violence wishes for: the opportunity to leave safely.

And I left.

I tore my life apart over a span of mere days, giving up an entire “marriage,” my business in Germany, and everything that I had built for myself there. I literally fled the country. It was the single most terrifying thing I’ve ever done and I give thanks every day that I not only realized I needed to leave, but that I had a safe opportunity to do so, the complete support of my family and friends, and the support of a shelter and a truly amazing advocate at that shelter.

Through that shelter I attended a workshop led by Lundy Bancroft, the author I mentioned earlier; I took the opportunity to tell him that I had been in an abusive situation and had realized I could leave because I had read his book and thus called the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I said to him, tears welled up in my eyes and so choked up I could barely speak, “It’s been 8 weeks and 2 days.” He said, very emphatically, “Congratulations! Good for you!”

Soon after that, I stopped counting the days and weeks since I had left. Now I only notice the seasons passing.

Just the same, the road that I have walked since then has been very, very long and very, very hard. Starting my life over again is the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

And now:  thriving!

Life_is_so__much_funAugust 26, 2008 marks the turning point in my life where I chose to live my life rather than try to survive something that wasn’t my life at all.

Now it’s time to recognize what the last three years have brought me. I have my friends again, I have my family again, and I have made new friends and have new family members. My tribe has grown magnificently and I am honored and blessed by many wonderful friends and acquaintances. I’m on the path of my career and enjoying every minute of it. Most importantly, I’ve discovered that life is an adventure meant to be enjoyed.

 

The blessings that I have received in the last three years are immeasurable. Not only have I found my way to self-confidence, joy, and enjoyment of life, but I have discovered my career path, talents I didn’t realize I had, and methods of self-expression I had previously only dreamed about.

Most of all, I’ve started having SO MUCH FUN! So let’s get on with it! Let’s get on with having a seriously good time!